Well, In My World...

2002-10-29T22:19:00.000-05:00

Guess What? It's my birthday! Woohoo--I'm twenty! And I'm staying in Rochester for a while...and, amazingly enough, that's a good thing.

2002-09-19T10:38:00.000-04:00

Due to a bunch of things going on right now, I'm letting this blog slide for a bit. I'll be back, eventually. However, I'm not entirely sure when that will be. In the meantime, if any of ya'll need to get in contact with me--feel free to mail me here. See ya'll later.

2002-08-29T21:05:00.000-04:00

Oh, The Horror. My navel ring fell out and now the hole is closed. The ball fell off and went down the drain Saturday morning (pre-Vanguard) in the shower. It was early enough that I knew no place that sold navel rings would be open, so Skip and I jury-rigged this funky setup involving Blue's Clues bandaids to keep it in. I gave a girl friend of mine money and instructions to buy me a new ring and send it with her brother who wouldn't leave for Vanguard until the following day. And then, on Saturday night, the stickiness of the bandaids was compromised and my ring fell out on a gravel path after dark in the middle of the wilderness. Oh well, que sera sera and whatever else I'm supposed to be saying. Since my piercing is still (relatively) new and unhealed, the hole had closed entirely too much for me to force it through by the time the replacement piercing had arrived. The replacement is incredibly cute though, so I just have to go get my navel re-punched (doesn't that sound awful? Re-punched). I'm also not entirely sure where I laid the replacement down though...It's probably admist the luggage I have yet to unpack.

And in case you didn't know: God is Good.

2002-08-24T00:16:00.000-04:00

Incommunicado. I leave town for Vanguard (yeah!!) tomorrow morning at 10 am and I won't be home until Wednesday afternoon. I know I won't have access to a computer until I get home, so don't bother checking this site until then. What is Vanguard? It's a really intense church "retreat" for young Christian adults who have a passion to see God change their city. It is absolutely amazing...

In Other News... I may be sporting some odd scrapes and/or bruises the next couple of days. I forgot my keys and Skip wasn't home, so I came in through a window (with some booster assistance from Mom). It was entirely too easy, so we're gonna want to fix that. And my hair was scrunchy/wavy/curly today because of this stuff I sprayed in it. I like it but not for all the time. It was easy though and looked cute enough, and that's really the point of doing it like this anyway. We'll see how it works 2nd day though-that's when the real test begins.

2002-08-21T08:49:00.000-04:00

Good Times. So, I have had an incredibly good week so far. A good friend of mine, Maria, was home for the weekend before heading off to spend next semester at the Biosphere in Arizona (she's a physics geek, but we love her anyway). So, I spent all afternoon and evening with her on Sunday. We went shopping for camping equipment at the mall, ate dinner with her mother, and watched Kate & Leopold.

Then, on Monday, I worked at night so I ran errands during the day. I went up to my church and ended up getting the definitive details about Vanguard this upcoming week and also got invited to a children's ministry conference in Orlando next month (I'm probably not going to go because of a shortage in funds). And work was all right, so that was good.

And yesterday, I went to work (another decent day nothing to brag about). PJ, Kate (Skip's roommate from college who is in town and staying with us this week), Skip and I all had a real dinner together. Then, Skip, Kate and I went over to Jon-e's (another college friend of theirs) house. Jon-e was a missionary kid so he grew up in Kenya and he makes chai tea, so we sat around for a couple of hours drinking tea and talking with him and his wife, Kris. It was a lot of fun.

So, I am in a good mood this morning. And I don't have to leave for work for another hour and twenty minutes. *grin*

2002-08-12T09:40:00.000-04:00

As a postscript to my last post, I would also like to point out that, unlike Tupac, Elvis does not come out with a new album every year. This serious lack of vision on his part further limits us having new things about him to discuss...

2002-08-11T23:40:00.000-04:00

Elvis Makes Me Scream. It is the 25th anniversary of The King's death (sometime in the vicinity of today) and our local newspaper has this honkin huge article about him. I was also floating around to some other people's blogs and one of them was discussing CNN's feature on him. He's been dead for 25 years! Really, how much more is there to say? I mean-his music was great, he did a lot for the industry...but he's dead. Isn't there better stuff we could be doing with our news space?

2002-08-05T13:14:00.000-04:00

Family Reunion. It was more fun than I expected to have. *grin* I hung out with family members I had met previously; I also discovered that Uncle Jesse plays a mean game of checkers. He told me that I have to practice before I'm allowed to come back to a reunion. *grin*

Today's Agenda. Today seems to be shaping up to be a very veg out and stay-at-home kind of day. Grammi has to go get bloodwork done before her chemotherapy on Thursday, but she's also having a rough, pain-filled kind of day, so Dad hasn't taken her yet. I was watching TV this morning and got to watch The Fast And The Furious finally; it was really good. Tomorrow we're going on a campus tour of the University Of Chicago. I hooked up with a college prep advisor last week and he advised me to check out the U of C's political science and near east programs. From what I can tell they have a program very similar to the one I was interested in at Fordham. They are also very in-your-face about the challenge they present academically. And, you know me, I'm always up for a challenge. So, we'll see. It'll be the first college I've checked out seriously this time around, so I'll have something to compare with other schools.

That's about it on my front...nothing really interesting. I love Chicago but I'll be happy to be home on Wednesday, mostly because I don't have friends here to chill with like I do at home. It's been fun though-even the reunion. *wink*

2002-08-02T09:00:00.000-04:00

Chicago. I arrived yesterday morning here in Chicago. It is hot here! We were walking through Greek Town and one of those digital time/temperature displays outside a bank read that it was a 103 degrees...that's just insane. So, yesterday was a very sticky day. We ordered Giordano's Stuffed Pizza for dinner yesterday. It was really good (it always is). Later today, we leave for Fort Wayne, Indiana for the family reunion. I don't know if I'll be on-line capable for the next couple of days, but we'll be home on Sunday night.

Oh, when I logged in this morning, I noticed that my e-mail account was filled to overflowing and I had a message from MSN in my box saying that they were sending messages that were going to send my account over the limit back to their senders. So, if anyone tried to e-mail me and it got returned, then you can feel free to resend it. I cleaned out my mail this morning. :-)

2002-07-26T12:28:00.000-04:00

Procrastinators, Beware. I've recently added a fun little tool called "NextBlog" to my Favorites list. It randomly sends you to various sites hosted by Blogger. It's fun but I really didn't need another reason to sit and stare at my computer for hours on end. :-)

2002-07-26T12:24:00.000-04:00

So, I was going to do all my banking today, but I got sidetracked. Oh well, guess I'll just keep my rent payment and my bill money in little bank envelopes for a couple more days.

I've recently been thinking that the Marines are, in fact, out as an option. Mostly because I've been thinking that I want the job more than the setting. So, college might be back in as my choice. (Particularly Fordham University and their Middle East Studies major) Since I'm not going to be jetting Rochester until next fall now at the earliest, I think that I may actually decide to continue living on my own. So, Skip and I are discussing the prospect of continuing the whole roommates thing, which would be cool...anyway, we'll see.

2002-07-17T08:56:00.000-04:00

I rock like a retired "La-Z-Boy" employee...

[Today's quote has been brought to you by the "Get Fuzzy" comic strip]

2002-07-13T09:53:00.000-04:00

Big Day. Today The Princess Herself gets married! Now I have to go and finish doing my nails. ;-) [Oh, and a note for all you ladies who want silky smooth legs, exfoliate with olive oil and sugar before shaving...it works!]

2002-07-09T11:57:00.000-04:00

Relevant Magazine: Gotta love how I can always find articles that speak directly to the place I am at in my life. Like this one.

2002-07-07T07:19:00.000-04:00

One Week. Until the Princess Herself gets married. :-) Anyone want to set me up with a date for the wedding (6'+, Christian, likes to dance), e-mail me. [i'm mostly joking ;-)]

2002-07-05T19:53:00.000-04:00

Updated. I also posted to The Bride's Journey for those of you who follow it. Warning: It's honestly the way I feel right now, not sugarcoated. Understand?

2002-07-05T19:43:00.000-04:00

Good Day, Bad Day. I went to work this morning despite the niggling voice in my head that persisted in saying I would probably have a better day if I just stayed home in bed (I was already in a fairly sour mood because of a whole truckload of other things going on in my life). I was happy I went to work because I then proceeded to make $50 in tips on a day that I was hoping to leave with $30. Then, I left my apron in the car of the work-friend who brought me home (yes, folks-the tip money is in there). So, I have to wait to get my cash and my check that was in my order book. (The girl is trustworthy so I'm pretty sure nothing bad will happen to it, but now I have to wait for it). And now, my Mom just called--she got terminated at the bank this evening because of a check from four months ago (which means it was probably fradulent in some way). Which sucks because (besides the obvious reasons of my mom having to find another job and the fact that we already had to move so now coming up with the cash is going to be doubly difficult) I was on her insurace policy and I was about to get new glasses (I lost mine several months ago and was waiting for the once/yr buy glasses or contacts for $20 thing on our insurance...I can not really afford to buy new ones) and I also cannot finish getting my heart checked this week (for the Marine Corps) like I planned. My mom is a wreck and I can't do anything about it. And the "you should have just stayed in bed" voice is back in full force.

Welcome to my world.

2002-06-29T19:40:00.000-04:00

Night Off I went to work and discovered that they had entirely too many hosts on the floor. So, I (being the gracious, generous person that I am) volunteered to go home early... ;-) So, here I sit...what shall I do with myself now? Maybe I'll watch a movie.

The Princess Herself gets married in two weeks. I bet her Dad is crying...a lot. :-)

2002-06-26T22:13:00.000-04:00

Big Day. Tomorrow is my first day actually serving at the restaraunt! Up until now, it has been all hosting (which I do enjoy) and I'm excited about the change of pace. What else new has been happening? I've started going to the Y to work-out...it's a blast. And Skip went grocery shopping today (food, yeah!). And I went home to bum some video tapes from my parents--but I forgot a couple of things I wanted to get from my room while I was there. I'm in a good mood though. This has been a pretty random post, but I'm not up for the deep thought today.

2002-06-23T23:02:00.000-04:00

Decisions. I think I am going to start writing again...I miss it.

[P.S. Dad, I have the night of 25 July through 1 August off from work. I'll give you a call if I don't hear from you in a couple of days.]

2002-06-22T00:39:00.000-04:00

No Personal Info, Please. Just a quick note to the "Voice from the Past" who recently chose to comment on my blog, I'd appreciate it if you didn't share whatever personal knowledge you may have (parent's names, where I live, my school, etc.) in such a public forum. This is my blog and I get to choose what information is shared about me. I deleted your comment and I reserve the right to edit any other comments as I see fit. Feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk and/or formally introduce yourself. And on to other news...

Chillin' With The Homies. Last night, I went to an Arena Football game (one of my friends has a brother who plays). It was cool cause I got to hang with a bunch of people I hadn't seen in ages. I also learned a little bit more about football from my guy friends who had the courtesy not to laugh at some of my more stupid questions (correction: they did laugh but they answered them anyway)...I'm tired cause I just got home from work and I've been waking up early to hit the gym :-) Night!

2002-06-12T10:28:00.000-04:00

Happy Day. Sleep is a good thing...a very, very good thing. I slept a lot on Monday and then I just slept in right now (I really shouldn't have 'cause I have some errands to run before work but I can do most of them tomorrow) and now I am in a good mood.

I also went driving with Skip Sunday night (my 3rd driving lesson--yes, I'm 19 and don't have my driver's license) and we went on the road....oooooh, scary. ;o)

2002-06-08T23:51:00.000-04:00

I'm Not Perfect. I know this may come as a shock to some of you [*grin*], but I'm not. I think this is best proved by my actions at work tonight. Faced with the irrational priggishness of one of the servers, did I a) immediately turn to God in prayer for patience and wisdom? b) fume verbally to other people about her idiocy and allow it to negatively and destructively affect my evening? c) invite her out into the parking lot so I could beat some sense into her with repeated blows to the kidneys?

The answer is most definitely b, c was running a close second...and I'm ashamed to admit that a was so far behind I did not even think of it as an option until I got home about ten minutes ago. *disappointed frown*

Lord, help me to grow in patience, wisdom, and the strength to turn to You first. Amen.

2002-06-05T08:09:00.000-04:00

Moving Out. I moved out last night! I am now the (incredibly excited) roommate of My Fave Gal, Skip. I have to finish getting my room situated, and tonight I'm going back to the house to finish cleaning out my old room. Not much else to say...I want to get some other stuff finished before I head out to work. :o)

2002-05-29T23:31:00.000-04:00

A Comment From Shannon (from Intermission) "i'm eating gummi worms and they have faces. it makes me feel sorry for them when I bite their heads off."--i don't think i've ever felt sympathy for the gummi worms, even the ones with faces...now those smiling goldfish on the other hand...*wink*

2002-05-29T18:06:00.000-04:00

It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring....! Wait. Is there more of that? Because I don't know the rest. Hmm. *thinking hard* Someone want to help me out?

2002-05-26T22:07:00.000-04:00

I'm Next... I caught the bouquet at Freddy and Adesuwa's wedding...so, supposedly, I'm gonna get married next...right...that's funny. ;-)

2002-05-22T09:03:00.000-04:00

Tired. It's not just physically either. I am [mentally...emotionally...spiritually] completely exhausted.

2002-05-19T07:29:00.000-04:00

Keeping My New Year's Resolution. (I resolved to blog 2x per week in case you didn't know) My friend, Mo, is in town for this weekend and next before she goes to New Hampshire for her summer fellowship, so I'm spending time with her. I'm also sleeping a lot since I have the start of a cold. I think I actually have something blog-able to post, so...maybe later?

2002-05-13T22:16:00.000-04:00

What Makes Me (Part 2)? (Since Part 1 ended up being three things (chocolate, dancing, love), I'm going to continue that trend) Romance: At heart, I am a romantic. I love sweet, unexpected surprises-fresh flowers, dancing in the rain, a note hidden in my bag, mix tapes ;-) (does anybody else remember that episode of friends? "more than a mix tape, less than a key to my apartment") Optimism: I persist in believing the best of people and of situations. That makes me an optimist (or naive, as some people would say). Energy: I like being in the middle of things. I love big cities. I like being on the go. Celebrating life is my strong point.

2002-05-09T22:30:00.000-04:00

Song Of The Day Revived.
"Bring On The Rain"-JoDee Messina (with Tim McGraw)

Another day has almost come and gone
Can't imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war ('cause)

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing-but I'm not dead

Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I'm not gonna let it get me down
I'm not gonna cry
And I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight

Tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain

2002-05-08T22:25:00.000-04:00

Good Stuff. ::A Perilous Safety:: Yet another right on article from Blogger that speaks directly to my heart. Especially in light of the fact that everything around me is changing and I am mostly definitely in the place that is like "Linus when his blanket is in the dryer"...

2002-05-08T18:28:00.000-04:00

The Silent Treatment. That's what I'm getting from my step-father. So, that's what "come home. i miss you. we can work this out." looks like in practice. Joy. Why did I come home again?

2002-05-08T09:07:00.000-04:00

So, There's This Boy. Christian...really nice...funny...gorgeous...And I cannot get him out of my head. Not good.

2002-05-07T09:25:00.000-04:00

Feeling Slightly Better. My renewed emotional state has more to do with the love of friends and worship on Sunday that focused on the love of God ( a concept that I really needed to hear on Sunday and that's stayed with me the last couple of days). However, I do feel like much more time has passed than 50-odd hours. Another interesting fact: I've had absolutely no trouble getting to sleep on Skip's couch the past two nights, but when I'm at home it normally takes an hour and some kind of relaxation technique because I replay all sorts of worries and bad things in my head...This is short because I have other stuff to do.

2002-05-04T23:29:00.000-04:00

Worst Day. I got into an absolutely wretched fight with my step-father. It was horrid, still is. I probably freaked PJ out calling him up, crying, asking for Skip's new cell number and then hanging up (sorry, pj). And, of course, we (my step-father and i) had to get into this fight today so it just piled on top of all the other emotional crap that's going on in my life. I don't feel like writing any more. Maybe when I get some perspective I'll be able to blog. But for now, good night...

2002-05-02T21:13:00.000-04:00

Hi. I've been thinking a lot lately about all sorts of things...*long pause*...I guess the main thing is how much stuff has changed. How much I've changed. I don't really know how to explain it all. However, I can say this: I'm more sure of me than I have been in a long time. I mean I still avoid surprises and emotional confrontations but I'm learning to deal. Maybe that's the big thing that's changed. I've learned to live each day, no matter what happens, and still be me when all is said and done. I haven't dilluted some essential part of myself for others well being and comfort or done something that I am pissed at myself about later. That's a good thing. I'm also more comfortable with myself in both the big and little things. I know what I'm like. If something needs to change, I'm willing to work on it but most of the time I just realize not everyone is going to think the same things I do.

What Makes Me? Chocolate, dark chocolate (it's kind of sad that that's the first thing that leaps to mind). Dancing, not necessarily dancing on a stage or for an audience, just dancing. I celebrate every happy moment and express every sorrow with dance. I normally keep myself in check so it doesn't come out as often as I think about just cutting loose. {"It [dancing] is an art that imprints on the soul. It is with you every moment even after you give it up. It is with you every moment of your day and night. It is an art that expresses itself in how you walk, how you eat, how you make love, and how you do nothing. It is the art of the body and as long as a dancer possesses a body, he or she feels the call of expression in dancer's terms."-Shirley MacLaine, from Dancing In The Light} And dancing with someone...sheer joy. Love, the unconditional kind that I get from my God and some of the people He's placed into my life.

You know what? This is as far as I want to go on that particular topic right now. It's threatening to become really personal and I'm not sure if I want to delve into all that right now. It'll surface some other time though, I guarantee it. However, you all are left with three things that define me: chocolate...dancing...love...

2002-04-30T18:32:00.000-04:00

Latest News. So, I went to MEPS on Sunday and took the ASVAB. And I aced it. :o) A perfect score- 99 out of 99. :o) And then, I went to the hotel, met a bunch of real cool people. We all talked for awhile, we would call people by their branch of service and their first name. Like, I'm "Marine Val" and this cool girl was "Army Jen". It was fun. This really built guy (Navy Troy) was leaving for boot camp on Monday so he was really hyper, not rowdy, just real excited. We had a good time. However, the next morning...yeah that was when the real fun began [for those of you who didn't pick up on the sarcasm, that last comment had sarcasm dripping from it]. A hearing exam, an eye exam, a urine sample, a blood sample, a blood pressure test, a physical (the boys had to bend over and cough, thank goodness the girls had nothing comparable). Lots of waiting and then a brief flurry of activity and then more waiting. It was boring! And then the Chief Medical Officer called me into his office because the doctor "heard" a heart murmur (something that I have never had a history of) which is waiverable with some documents from my regular doctor or a specialist. However, he also told me that although my eyesight is correctable to 20-20, the prescription it takes to get it there (11 and the allowance is +/- 8) is permanently disqualifying. Needless to say, I was pissed. So, I hightailed it over to the USMC liason's office to find out the real deal. He (Sgt Ramirez) said that I could get it waived but the waiver would have to come from either a Congressperson or a Senator. He also said I should have no problem with getting it waived because of my excellent record in every other respect. So, I'm working on it. I really want to be a Marine.

2002-04-27T21:30:00.000-04:00

Shopping Success. I ended up with a new bathing suit (orange, 2-piece, Nike) for $12, a corset top (super comfy), 3 pairs of cute hipster underwear, 2 pairs of sunglasses (blue and purple lenses), hair gunk (d:fi medium hold hair wax for those who care), a black backpack, a red messenger bag, a new (leather) wallet, and a periwinkle wrap dress. They were all great deals. I'm very excited. :o)

And now, I have to pack for tomorrow.

2002-04-27T08:54:00.000-04:00

Today. I'm going shopping...I'm going shopping! At the outlet mall, with my Mom (*big grin*) and my Uncle's girlfriend/fiancee, Mary. Then, I have to go to work...but it's a super short shift (three hours) because I'm filling in during the busy time.

Tomorrow. I teach my fourth graders at church. Then, I leave for the Military Entrance Processing Facility (MEPS) in Buffalo. I take my ASVAB and get my physical done (I finally got my belly button ring to come out last night b/c it can't be in during the exam) and take some really easy typping test. So, I'm this much closer to being a Marine. :o)

2002-04-22T21:56:00.000-04:00

I'm reading an interesting article titledMobile Gossip and I just came across this interesting quote: "Language, and by extension everything else that goes with the super-sized human brain such as art, culture, science, religion, etc. (i.e. civilization as we know it) evolved to enable us to flirt."

I just found that absurdly amusing. But it is an extremely interesting article (I'm not saying that I agree with it just that I find it thought-provoking).

2002-04-21T23:19:00.000-04:00

So, last night I exercised my right not to post. And I was about to post tonight about all the post-worthy things that have happened but I just felt I should check my checking account on-line (I was feeling industrious figured I'd better make sure my checkbook was balanced). And what do I discover? My account is overdrawn 90-odd dollars!! The result of forgetting about MSN's automatic withdrawal each month from my account and some random charge which I have no idea what it is. *screaming in horror* This is so not good. I'm gonna get chewed out by my Mom (who works at the bank) and it's not my fault this time! So, I'm gonna confront my Mom with the honest truth about forgetting about MSN and the information about the "mystery charge" that sent me over the edge...I'm just hoping that the checks were covered cause that would be the worst thing of all. However, the good point about my Mom working at the bank is that she can get the fee they charge overdrawn accounts reversed (employee perks *smile*) but she'll only do it if she is feeling generous...we'll see...*screaming in frustration*...

2002-04-20T20:57:00.000-04:00

Hi! I just got home from The Princess Herself's latest shower. It was hosted by her maternal grandmother in a little town about an hour and a half away. It was fun. But I'm glad to be home. Mom's gonna take me to work real quick so I can grab my schedule for the week, I'm planning on posting again when I get home because I have lots (maybe not lots) of stuff to say. However, I reserve the right not to post at all.

2002-04-18T00:20:00.000-04:00

I'm not trying for deep or profound tonight; I'm just shooting for coherency. But I don't really have anything to say. Really, I don't.

That's wierd.

Okay, here's something: Out of the blue, last week, I started writing again. First time I've felt that compulsion to set something serious down on paper in awhile. I'm not yet sure what it will turn into, but I'm writing again. That's something.

And another thing: Tuesday I turned down someone who wanted me to be involved in some random church dance thing. There's some progress for you.

And my last thing? I rented G.I. Jane, Save The Last Dance, and Training Day tonight...love those movies.

That's it. Three not-too-deep things are my limit tonight. Good Night!

2002-04-12T22:33:00.000-04:00

I Spend Too Much Time At The Bookstore. This evening, I was in Barnes and Noble while waiting for the bus after work and one of the book clerk guys (Steve) complimented me on my hair-do (as in, he noticed it was different from the way I normally wear it)...

2002-04-12T10:01:00.000-04:00

Due to me reading Courtney's blog before leaving for work this morning, I was reminded to post The Friday Five. I have a couple minutes, so I'm gonna do them real quick.

1. What is your favorite restaurant and why? Po' Folks...this great southern US chain I used to go to when I visited my Dad in Georgia. Great food...and since I'm a southern girl at heart, my favorite place. However, since Dad now lives in Chicago I haven't been there in years (I wonder if they're still around).

2. What fast food restaurant are you partial to? Well, it used to be Wendy's but then they got rid of those pita things they had. So, now it's either Subway or Taco Bell.

3. What are your standards and rules for tipping? At least, double the tax and round up. I also try to tip to-go orders when I'm at a restaurant just because I work at one. If the server is exceptional though, I'll tack extra cash onto it.

4. Do you usually order an appetizer and/or dessert? If I'm at Ruby Tuesday (the restaurant I work at), I'll get the salad bar with my meal. Or I'll get a chocolate tallcake at the end...I alternate, unless I have someone to share dessert with me. If I'm somewhere else (unless its chips and salsa), I don't normally order an appetizer but I will order dessert if I'm fiendin' for chocolate or cheesecake.

5. What do you usually order to drink at a restaurant? Diet coke or rootbeer.

2002-04-11T23:18:00.000-04:00

So, here I am on the phone talking to the one person who is more able to keep me off balance than anyone else I know. Just when I think I have straightened exactly where I stand with this guy he does something...It's not necessarily a bad thing it just happens...* side note: when i first wrote this I wasn't paying attention and instead of writing "it just happens", I wrote "it just hurts" *...I think of all the people I know I am most scared of him hurting me. Not that he ever has, it's just that he has such enormous potential to and I don't think he even realizes it. Honestly, I don't think he does. Which is why I called Skip to get her to pray for me before I called him back.

2002-04-10T20:44:00.000-04:00

Recent Realizations. Out of nowhere (it seems), I have been hit by three realizations about me...things that are not worthwhile contributions to me as a whole:

1. I am afraid of getting hurt: It is a perpetual constant consuming fear that lingers somewhere in the back of my head, haunting every word I speak, every action I make. It is the reason why I cannot get to sleep at night, the reason why I stay in my room a lot, the reason why I do as much stuff as I possibly can on my own, and the reason why I don't let people get too close...and why I freak out when I find out they know me better than I ever intended. I don't know where this fear comes from...maybe because I've been promised too many things that never came true. All I know is that it's there and it's not going to go away just because I think it should.

2. I don't like being surprised: People coming up behind me in order to scare me, people asking questions that require personal revelations in very public places, people requiring me to do something on short notice...all on my list of things I don't like. Note to anyone reading this: announce yourself in some way before coming up behind me and physically touching me in any way...it is a very scary thing for me not to know who is behind me and then to have them touch me. very scary. I actually know why that is...I don't want to discuss it, but I do know why. Another note: The "unexpected gift at an unexpected time" advice from Finding Forrester does not fall into the category of things I don't like.

3. I avoid confrontation: If it is about an intellectual question, there is nothing I like better than a good debate. However, emotional issues or things that concern me, I will not discuss if I think there is anything less than an absolute certainty that the person won't fight with me about it. The only way it gets discussed is if I get backed in a corner...then I react like a cornered animal...I'm completely unpredictable...not a good thing.

All this leads me to the conclusion that I often submerge my feelings, opinions and ideas for the sake of not being hurt, surprised and avoiding confrontations which leads me to wonder: who really knows me? I edit myself a lot. I don't change myself according to the people I'm with, however I do present the facets of myself with which I believe those people will be most comfortable. This behavior, however, is self-destructive and proves itself as such at times like this, when much of my waking thoughts are characterized by paranoid illusions that nobody really knows/likes/loves me because I am fairly good at adapting myself to their expectations of who I should be.

2002-04-09T08:11:00.000-04:00

Excerpts. Found lyrics to "Hold Me Dearly" by Michael Roe. I went to this site off a link from Relevant (I love that site). And one part of the song says:

let me walk and stand and talk with the mind of one given over
only to the things that i know you hold dear
let me soften my heart, let me harden my footsteps
as i press toward the mark of your safe place without any fear

...let me soften my heart, let me harden my footsteps...
amen

2002-04-06T09:43:00.000-05:00

The Friday Five. I know it's Saturday but Albert stole my computer tower yesterday and I figured...better late than never, right? Especially because last week I forgot to post them at all...well, maybe "forgot" isn't the correct word...it was more of a deliberate decision not to...but I'm doing it this week and that''s what matters...anyways, on with the questions:

1. What are the first things you do in the morning to start your day? Put in my contacts (since I haven't bought new glasses yet, my day begins and ends with them), spend time with God and reading my Bible (although if I'm running really late, I do it on the bus on the way to work), check my e-mail, take a shower, find fruit in the kitchen to eat.

2. What are the last things you do at night before going to bed? Check my e-mail, make sure my alarm clock is set for work the next day, get a glass of water, listen to a little bit of music, take out my contacts.

3. What daily routine have you recently added to your day? Running, push-ups, crunches...they fell by the wayside for a bit but I come back to them...first, because physical exercise makes me feel good (maybe that's part of the reason why I've been so funky lately?) and, second, because I'm joining the Marine Corps and passing out in the middle of a run would not be a good thing.

4. What routine do you wish to get rid of? Lying in bed for another two hours after I wake up and then having to rush to get ready in less than 45 minutes would definitely be at the top of the list for destructive routines.

5. What's the one thing that makes you feel like something is missing if you don't do it some point within your day? #1 thing would definitely be my Bible time...#2 would be no physical exercise...

2002-04-03T23:36:00.000-05:00

I'm in an ultra-funk...And I cannot put my finger on exactly why. I think it's all the little things that are wierd in my life right now...and the fact that I really don't want to be here in Rochester right now. I think the whole not wanting to be in Rochester thing though has to do with not wanting to deal with certain people and various issues they'll bring up...I've recently realized that I will go to any lengths to avoid a conversation I'm afraid of having...I should probably work on that.

2002-04-02T13:24:00.000-05:00

You know how if it's really foggy, you can't figure out where you are or where you're going (even if you are in an area that is incredibly familiar to you) and you feel all alone (even if people are only a step away)? That's how I feel right now...like I'm trapped in a really foggy day...

2002-03-27T23:02:00.000-05:00

I'm So Proud! I created my own website! I know basically nothing about HTML, so that simple little thing took me almost 5 hours and most of a 2-liter of Diet Coke (I finished off the one I retrieved from your house, PJ). However, it's mine and I did it all by myself with no help from my step-father (the resident programming genius) or anybody else. Although I liberally referred to WebMonkey...maybe I should send them a thank-you note... :o)

All right, I'm all wiped out now. I have to tidy up my room, take my contacts out and go to bed...Good night!

2002-03-25T09:38:00.000-05:00

The Bad News? So, my cousin (he's twelve and probably the closest thing I have to a brother) tried to commit suicide last night. He tried to hang himself with an electrical cord...so, he wasn't exactly seriously trying to kill himself (not meaning that you couldn't kill yourself with an electrical cord, but he was standing on the floor and tied the knot loose and a bunch of other things), but still...a twelve year old who even considers that an option is messed up. And I just found out that the mom of three of my favorite people is planning on divorcing her husband...that sucks...And I thought I had to work today so I was all excited about being able to keep myself busy and then I was going to go straight to House of Prayer, so I wasn't actually going to have to think about all this crap for the next twelve hours. I wake up, check my calendar, and do I have to work...No! So, now what?

...And The Good News? Not going to work means that I get to wash my hair and organize my dance bag for tonight and maybe take a nap. Yeah...that's the good news. Oh, and Halle Berry was the first ever African-American women to win Best Actress at the Academy Awards. I'm so proud. *thinking* yeah...that's about it. No...wait...I have one more thing, I changed the cursor on my computer screen so now it looks like Satchel from Get Fuzzy...that made me happy.

2002-03-23T00:16:00.000-05:00

Second Post Of The Week. Since it is a quarter past midnight Saturday morning this post counts as my second one this week. I just got home from the latest shower for The Princess Herself (we bought her a vacuum cleaner). We (the bridesmaids) also cruised the apartment that will eventually be theirs...Her Prince Charming moved in tonight. It's a nice place. And my eyes are very sleepy. So, I'm going to bed. My belly button tingles/pinches when I move around a lot or clench the muscles...but it's not too uncomfortable. I'm still excited about it.

2002-03-22T17:44:00.000-05:00

I'm Back! So, I haven't posted since last Friday (however, my New Year's resolution to blog twice a week will be intact as long as I post tomorrow or Sunday) and, when I come back to blogging, do I have a profound statement about life to make? No! I post only to share the news that 45 minutes ago, I got my belly button pierced. ;o)

2002-03-15T19:03:00.000-05:00

The Friday Five:

1. What's your favorite animal? Jaguars...black, sleek, fast, tree-climbers, I think they even swim occasionally. What's not to like? Or maybe wolves...I like them too.

2. What pets have you had in your lifetime? A variety of gerbils when I was younger, and a dog, Chelsea (passed down from my uncle who was travelling too much to keep her), who was a pit bull/german shepherd mix...we had to put her to sleep last New Year's...that sucked.

3. Is there any specific pet that you've wanted but never had? Why? I wanted a snake but my Mom said no. I also want a pit bull/rottweiler mixed dog, but they're hard to come by.

4. Are you allergic to any animals? Not that I know of...If an animals shedding lots of fur though and I'm close to the ground then I sneeze but that's only natural.

5. Do you have any 'pet' pet peeves (your pets or others)? When people don't pull their dogs when they're barking at strangers and they say "don't worry, he doesn't bite". Obviously, they don't realize that some people are deathly afraid of dogs or maybe that the dog might take a real disliking to someone and for the first time in his life bite them. That irks me.

2002-03-15T09:05:00.000-05:00

Philip Anschutz. Okay, the blog I just posted mentioned Philip Anschutz who is a billionare (worth over $5 billion and #54 on Forbes' 2002 List of the World's Richest People) and a committed Christian and his company Walden Media. So, I did a Google on him. This guy is no joke.
He made a huge strike in oil (following his father's footsteps), sold a chunk of it to Mobil, got involved in railroads, he owns 84% of Qwest Communications, he owns chunks of the LA Kings(hockey) and the LA Lakers(basketball) plus three major league soccer teams, along with Fox(Rupert Murdoch and Edward Roski Jr) he is the co-owner of the Staples Center in LA (only called that because the company is paying them $5million/year for twenty years to have their name on it). Fortune Magazine says "Philip Anschutz may be the richest American you've never heard of. But, this in many ways ordinary guy is an extraordinary businessman." They also say that he is "mastering and reshaping entire economic landscapes" because he is spread across so many industries...Thank God he is a Christian. His bio posted on the Kansas Business Hall Of Fame says "Philip Anschutz had and has a remarkable ability to see hidden value where others don't and to act quickly on that knowledge while others hesitant and miss out on the opportunity". He now lives in Denver where he attends an Evangelical Presbyterian church. Very cool. This other tidbit from Fortune's article definitely says a lot to me about who this guy is: "He is a quietly religious man who has never been heard to swear"; and one of his railroad workers says "They never tried to sneak anything past us. And a handshake with Anschutz was worth more than a signed contract at some other railroads" I'm liking him more and more and more. This whole article speaks spades about his integrity. I'm very excited about this guy.

2002-03-15T08:10:00.000-05:00

Interesting. "With the success of large-scale fantasy franchises Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, it was only a matter of time before someone would try to film C.S. Lewis' "The Chronicles of Narnia." Well, the time has come. The classic novels have overt Christian allegory (the Christ figure is a lion named Aslan), which attracted billionaire and committed Christian Philip Anschutz, owner of several of the U.S.' most prominent theater chains. His company, Walden Media, has optioned the series and plans to adapt the books one by one, working in concert with Lewis' stepson, Douglas Gresham. The first film, ''The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe,'' should hit screens by 2004 ..." (from Relevant Magazine's Slices)

If they manage to adapt the Narnia books as well as Lord Of The Rings was adapted, then I have no objections whatsoever. However, if it's another movie that is going to present Christian movies as a joke of bad acting, bad screenplay, and bad directing than I'll be pissed as all getup. The Narnia books are some amazing stuff...

2002-03-15T01:03:00.000-05:00

God Is So Good. So, tonight was probably one of the best nights I have had in a very long time. We had a bridal shower for The Princess Herself which was fun...but the real highlight of the night was when Ang and I were in the car talking. I've known Ang for about five years now, and one of the main quirks of our friendship has always been that about once a year we end up someplace alone and we just talk for about an hour about everything that is happening. It's never planned...It just happens. And tonight was our night...and Ang is basically in the same place I am. So, that's what we talked about...not having anything (or anyone) to keep us in Rochester any longer...wanting to leave-not to just go someplace else but to have an opportunity lined up...everyone riding our cases about not going to school, and giving all sorts of "helpful" advice...trying to guard our hearts from getting wrongly attached to a guy in our lives. I asked Ang a question I've been dealing with lately, "Could God ever ask us to lay down a gift that we know is from Him?" And she shared a story with me about a time God asked her to do that and how scared she was about it and everything that went on in her head and how things ended up working...definitely something I needed to hear. I love Ang. I love how God speaks to me through her...I didn't tell her about the Marine Corps, just mentioned it as an option, our talk was a lot more general than specifics about what we wanted to do. So, I'm surfing on the waves of goodness as Tombo used to say. And I'm very aware of how much God loves me. It's been an incredible night, especially this last hour.

2002-03-13T17:52:00.000-05:00

Nothing Much. I'm just saying "hi", 'cause I feel guilty about not posting even though it's only been two days. I cleaned my room today...well, kind of...never mind, I don't want to get into it right now. I'm listening to Aretha Franklin right now...gotta love it...I'm done 'cause this is a pretty stupid post...maybe I'll have something for real to post later...

2002-03-11T08:34:00.000-05:00

Six Months Later. Today marks the six-month anniversary of the terrorism attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. It's been six months...On one hand, it seems like so much stuff has changed in that time that it feels much longer...And on the other hand, I'm shocked that six months have already passed. Sometimes I feel very hard-hearted because when people discuss it, I'm very quick to change the subject...but it's not because I'm bored of it or think the topic's over...It's because I'm still not ready to come to terms with everything it means. I'm still processing it, I guess. I don't know...

2002-03-10T22:00:00.000-05:00

Most Wretched Moment Ever. So, it's in between services at church and I have to go to the bathroom. All the stalls are full, so I'm waiting and then in walks one of the woman that tops the list of people I most want to be like, Julia Peace. So, as I walk in to the stall, she says "What are your plans?"...Great, just great, gotta love being invited to have a deep, soul searching discussion about a topic that you've only recently decided to become public with in the bathroom! So, I tell her I'm working at Ruby Tuesdays and that I'm thinking about joining the Marine Corps, that it's become a serious option in the last couple of months, that I'm discussing it with Mom and Albert, that we're praying about it. She says "oh, whose idea was this?". I say "mine". She says "why?". Not even in a judgemental tone, just a simple request for information. I start realizing that I really do not want to discuss this in the bathroom, start screaming at Skip and PJ in my head because they went to Starbucks without me and if I had just come out of Children's Church a couple minutes earlier and caught them none of this would be happening, I hem and haw and walk out the stall. And Colleen is standing there, waiting to talk to Julia about a wedding shower. I immediately seize this opportunity, loudly announce to Julia that Colleen's waiting to see her, quickly wash my hands, and when Julia exits her stall (moving very slowly because her knee is immobilized in a brace) and becomes immersed in a conversation with Colleen, I flee. Really. I bolted out of the bathroom, ran to the other side of the sanctuary from Julia (where she wouldn't easily be able to see me and wouldn't seek me out because of her knee), and start babbling to my Mom about what a coward I am. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible. I ran away...such a coward.

And Life Goes On. So, there's This Guy I know who lives an hour and a half away (this would be the "Unsaid Crap Sucks" guy). And he might be moving to Georgia to be a police officer which would be a good fit for him. At least, I think it would be. So, I know that sounded like a really random statement. However, This Guy and the fact that he might be moving to Georgia is a bigger deal than most of you know. Trust me.

2002-03-09T08:37:00.000-05:00

Good Morning! I went jogging again this morning. I could get into this--I'm enjoying it so far. Of course, being able to keep up when I finally go to boot camp is a pretty darn big incentive. I have to go to work (11a-8p...yeah) but I need to do all my other am stuff first (like take a shower and eat breakfast). So, adieu.

2002-03-08T15:51:00.000-05:00

Yeah, Baby! I am now a...[SFX: drumroll]...runner! Well, on my way to being one. I got home from work today, put on a t-shirt, my new wind pants, my new socks and my new running sneakers and went jogging. Well, it was more of a walk-jog (wog?) sice I don't have enough endurance for a whole half-hour or even a whole ten minutes yet. So, I walked for five minutes as a warm-up, then jogged for two minutes/walked two minutes for the next 20 minutes, then walked for five more minutes as a cool-down. It was challenging but not so hard that I couldn't make it through the whole half-hour. I also wasn't walking when I was supposed to be jogging...It was perfect for my endurance level (endurance for jogging and endurance for dancing are two very different things...). I am extremely pleased with myself. Inspiration also came from belting out the "Girl With A Gun" cadence during the running parts. (It's suppose to be a say-response one but I just used the response part to take a deep breath)

Girl With A Gun:
Momma told me "join the Navy"
Friends all told me I was crazy
In the USMC
That's where I wanna be
They all said I'm just a girl
I can't take on the whole world

But you hand me that M-16
And I'll show you I can be mean
Lock 'em down and shoot 'em dead
That's all that's in my head

Saw a man and asked him flat
Where is all the action at
Man told me he didn't know
So I told him just where to go

Signed my papers that same day
Soon you'll see me march away
Cause when you give a girl a gun
She'll shoot as good as anyone!

(Then I just fill in any remaining running time with soundoffs:"1-2-3-4-United States Marine Corps", Ooo-rahs, and other random noise; And I really do belt it out, you should have seen this guy stare at me) Oh, I got this cadence from here.

2002-03-07T22:16:00.000-05:00

Bored. That would be me...right now...completely and utterly bored out of my mind. I should use this time to do something constructive, whether it be physical (crunches, push-ups) or mental (studying for the ASVAB)...but...I'm not.

2002-03-07T14:33:00.000-05:00

Getting Serious. I realized yesterday that I've been happily announcing to strangers and casual onlookers in my life that I am planning on joining the Marine Corps. However, when discussions about my life plans with people whose opinions matter to me begin, I shy away from any mention of it. Pretty much the only people (whose opinions matter, who I love, and with whom I have regular face-to-face interaction) who know about my plans are my Mom, Albert, Skip (aka My Fave Gal), and PJ...and whoever else reads this blog. I figure I'm about ready to lay my cards down on the table and start making my intentions public. I know this is what I should be doing and I'm (finally) ready to deal with any of the crap and questions that people might throw at me. I'm assured of the love of the people who really matter in my life. I've come to the point where I don't really care how anyone else feels about the decision I'm making...I'm still not sure if that's entirely a good thing.

Why The Marines Are So Cool. I've also decided that the Marine Corps has some of the best propaganda out there, just read this excerpt from their brochure for females:
"Where is that girl that lived in your mind quite often? You wanted to be more like her. She was ponytails to your barrettes, an a-minus to your b-plus. When you threw like a girl, she threw harder. She went by your name and followed you everywhere...
"Once upon a time there was this girl. She had an attitude. And a spirit nobody could tame. She was tough and attacked each new day without fear. She went by your name and spoke with a voice only you could hear. She lived in your mind. Find her.
"Maybe one morning she made you throw on jeans and run outside barefoot. Across a field and up the side of a tree. Maybe she took you on a slide headfirst into home. Maybe she made you study geometry while the other girls studied the buttons on their phones. Maybe she gave you reason to shoot a little higher.
"If you lived up to all her demands, great. If you didn't, maybe there's still something to prove. Maybe the girl running around in your brain is now a woman who's ready for one of the toughest challenges on earth. Becoming a Marine.
"And maybe she's wondering if you'll take up the chase."
How cool is that. It definitely strikes a chord with me.

And In Other News. I bought a pair of running sneakers yesterday (Asics), a pair of blue windpants, and running socks. I figure it's time to get my butt in gear.

2002-03-05T08:43:00.000-05:00

Check Out This Story. Relevant Magazine (which launched today or yesterday) poses some very interesting questions concerning the overt Christian meaning present in certain mainstream artists music (Lifehouse, Creed, P.O.D.-and the new for me-Lauryn Hill). They wondered how the church could ignore these people's need for spiritual covering and, instead, condemn them as the very epitome of heathen-ness. They also asked how the church could turn a blind eye to the fact that these people are in a point position, bringing the only message of Christ many people will ever hear.

My Take. I don't know how we ended up in a place where you could only be both musician and Christian if your music was only sold under a Christian label. It shouldn't be about where your music is sold, it should be about how your life is. Unfortunately, the Church has degenerated into a petty temper-tantrum, irately screaming "but you're not supposed to be over there with those people!" rather than remembering that being over there with those people was how Jesus got down. I went to a public arts high school and very few of the people I regularly chilled with would set foot in a church or Christian bookstore. However, if I invited them to a concert or drama or dance thing, they were willing to come, even if it was labeled as "Christian". And if it was done well, they were more than willing to check out what else I had to offer. Maybe we should remember that Jesus met people where they were at before we judge Christians who choose to splash their worship around in the secular world.

Another Plug For Relevant. These people are right on...every story I read just hits me. Gotta love it.

"He’s not calling us to divorce our pop culture, as the church often insists, but to view all that we embrace or reject in light of His truth. It’s not elitist or divisive to proclaim Him as the one, because His character, power and love are the very definition of truth and goodness. There’s no shame in adoring Him.

Jesus makes sense. He makes sense of why we love the things we love. He makes sense of why we look at relationships, politics and the world the way we do. The pain inflicted by His lukewarm followers and the rationalizations we sometimes tell ourselves have caused many of us to miss out on the relationship that makes sense of life’s big questions and provides the lasting joy that otherwise slips between the fragments.

Jesus is accessible. He’s timelessly relevant. And in the midst of the marketing machines of the pop culture universe, He is patiently and lovingly speaking to each of us." from this article

2002-03-04T22:49:00.000-05:00

Song Of The Day: "Endure" by Plumb (I have no idea what cd it is on)

Questions drip from my umbrella
Shadows hang over me

Stand here, waiting
I know the sky will break
And bleed its light
And kiss my face with mercy

I'll endure the rain
I will wait an hour more
Not sure if I'll see anything
Can I wait here anymore
I'll endure the rain
I will wait an hour more
Not sure if I'll see anything
Can I wait here any longer

Teardrops vanish in a moment
Rainbows hang over me
Darkness fading
I know the sky will break
And bleed its light
And kiss my face with mercy

Can I wait here any longer
Wait here any longer

2002-03-04T09:07:00.000-05:00

Good Morning! I slept really well last night and after today I have three days off from work! :o) That makes me happy. I don't have anything else to say.

2002-03-02T22:54:00.000-05:00

Look! It's Halle Berry! No, wait...it's just Val. Someone actually said that I looked like Halle Berry today--I'm not really seeing a resemblance though--I think the person saw that we both had light skin and flipped hair and made a major jump in logic. Oh, well, it's a compliment...in a twisted, not-really, kind of way, but I'll take what I can get.

And In Other News: I bought a pair of jeans from Express for $19.50; I also got my Arabic Alphabet book from Barnes & Noble; I also got great shoes from Marshalls. Those are my ranking accomplishments for the day...really.

2002-03-01T22:50:00.000-05:00

I know nothing about html or javascript or any other programming language. All I do is read other people's blogs, right-click somewhere on their page, click "view source", and read really carefully until I think I found what I like. Then, I tinker with my blog until it kind of looks like something I want. So far, it's working all right for me...but eventually, I think I'm going to have to buckle down and learn what I'm doing.

2002-03-01T09:13:00.000-05:00

Look--I have a comment system now. I saw this comment system on someone else's blog, so I stole it. I think it works pretty well. PJ-if you want a comment system feel free to click on the link, they explain it pretty well. Skip-do we want a comment system on The Bride's Journey?

I just realized that I'm doing the virtual equivalent of shouting a question into space and expecting an answer. Well, if it works, don't knock it.

2002-03-01T08:55:00.000-05:00

Is it working? Is it working?

2002-03-01T08:32:00.000-05:00

Happy March...! I have a blog in my notebook that I wrote yesterday but I don't feel like pulling it out to post right now. So, you'll have to be gifted with that later on...I really don't have much to say...except, I really want a comment system so I'm going to have to hunt one down--I think I have to use javascript for it--or switch to a blog system with it built in (like live journal or dead journal--dead journal seems a little wierd though, not that wierd's a problem or anything>

2002-02-28T23:17:00.000-05:00

I agreed to work a double shift tomorrow, however, as soon as I got home I remembered all the things I have to do that wouldn't make working a double shift an extremely good idea...

To work or not to work? The money would be very useful and I could cram the stuff I'm supposed to do tomorrow evening into Saturday morning, if Mom is willing...

We'll see...

2002-02-28T10:46:00.000-05:00

Feeling mildly better today--at least more social...and, look, I discovered this dude's mom has the same birthday as my mom...maybe he's a long-lost brother...or not.

PJ learned the age-old wisdom of not pissing off a pms-ing woman (you have learned well, young padawan)...but, honesty, bro, I wouldn't have cared if you had ripped off yesterday's song of the day...I was actually shocked that you hadn't used it.

Anyway, this is the last day of February (wow, I'd feel really stupid if this turned out to be a leap year but it isn't...I just checked) and my New Year's Resolution of blogging at least 2x per week is still intact...yeah!

Now, I'm off to figure out how to do something.

2002-02-27T12:55:00.000-05:00

I'm playing Lifehouse's No Name Face really loud...Albert has the grace not to complain

Song Of The Day: "Somewhere In Between"-Lifehouse
I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't
And now I can not stop pacing
Give me a few hours, I'll have all this sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing
Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
This is over my head but underneath my feet
Cuz by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
Cuz I'm wating for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this
Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
Cuz I'm wating for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream

2002-02-27T12:51:00.000-05:00

I'm in a rather interesting mood. My e-mail is doing something pissy (I'm about to check to see if I can get in through hotmail rather than MSN but who knows...), I got my period yesterday, I was going to go see Ten Shekel Shirt tonight but now I'm not going to (I detest car rides the first three days of my period, I also detest being in even passingly close contact with people I don't know and, to some extent, people I normally love). I didn't have to work yesterday so I layed around drank Raspberry Tea, ate chocolate ice cream and barbecued chicken and watched Albert's Monday Night Video Tapes (no Wayne Brady Show) and "The Thomas Crown Affair" which I actually enjoyed. I'm actually seriously considering calling in sick but I'd rather not piss work people off at me since I have entire next week off (I don't really need to have it off but I plan on doing several interesting things with my time-like seeing the bowling man and basically trying to pick up some of the scattered pieces that are my life). Now I'm hovering on the edge of deleting this incredibly self-pitying post but I don't think I'm going to.

2002-02-25T09:40:00.000-05:00

Attitude Shift. I read a verse the other day that really struck me. 1 Chronicles 29:14 "But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to offer so willingly as this? For all things come from you, and of your own, we have given you." It made me realize that God has the right at any time to demand anything from us, even if it is something we consider central to our lives. The only parallel I can think of is how if a friend loans you something they can at any time demand that thing back. They are the owners of it and can claim it as theirs whenever they wish even if you have not had the opportunity to make full use of the thing or if you have had it for so long that you regard it as yours.

I think this attitude (of willingness to sacrifice anything God asks me to without any hesitation or griping on my part) is the most important thing I can develop at this time in my life.

2002-02-23T10:11:00.000-05:00

The five of us (bridesmaids + The Princess Herself) went to Jack Astor's on Thursday. It was definitely an experience. We had an (extremely cute) recently rehabilitated mute named Jonathon. I'll admit that the recently rehabilitated mute is my own speculation but he barely spoke to us, so I don't even know how he's managing to keep his job. Meg got some other server named Rich to flirt (outrageously) with The Princess the entire night--that was funny. It was a good night...

And last night was the family meeting in which I discussed [SFX: ominous chord] THE FUTURE [SFX: echo, reverb]...and it actually went well. Prayer works. (Do I hear an amen?) We talked about me leaving Rochester, "pausing" dance, and then I finally worked up the nerve to drop the bombshell about what I might be doing. It was interesting. I got the commitment that both Mom and Albert will stand by me in whatever God tells me to do...and that's all I wanted anyway.

I have to go to work now...I'm not exactly thrilled about working from 11a-8p on a Saturday night because I'll have to stay later if it's really super busy...

2002-02-21T17:51:00.000-05:00

Only God. PJ thought he might end up in Texas with his family and I thought I'd stay in Rochester forever. Now he's committed to staying in Rochester until God tells him to move and I'm committed to leaving Rochester until God tells me to come back. I can't figure it out at all...only God could orchestrate something like this...teach me to wait on you, Lord

2002-02-21T17:45:00.000-05:00

More Rough Stuff BBC News | ASIA-PACIFIC | US helicopter crashes in Philippines

2002-02-21T17:43:00.000-05:00

Rough Stuff BBC News | SOUTH ASIA | Kidnapped US reporter is dead

2002-02-21T08:36:00.000-05:00

Well, The Princess' intimates shower has been cancelled for tonight because the woman hosting it has pneumonia...eww...she'll reschedule it as soon as she feels better. However, the five of us (4 bridesmaids + The Princess Herself) are going out to dinner. Fun stuff.

In other news, I finally scheduled a family meeting to discuss [SFX: ominous chord] THE FUTURE [SFX: echo, reverb]. This all goes down tomorrow night sometime after Mom comes home from work and does all her "I just got home, let me chill out for a couple moments, then I'll be social" stuff. Feel free to keep me saran-wrapped in prayer.

*btw, I "borrowed" the sound effects idea from Brad and his DSL story...*

2002-02-19T22:56:00.000-05:00

My internet connection is having issues right now, so I can't post from my house. Fortunately, I'm at PJ's and I just read this awesome quote from Relevant Magazine: "Humility means recognizing that God is bigger than your hopes."

Think about that for awhile...

2002-02-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

I love PJ. You'll love him too...and if you don't...well, obviously you have issues that need to be dealt with. I have more to write some serious stuff laying on my heart, but I have to leave for work in a little over an hour and I need sleep...one half hour, that's all I'm asking for...heck, an uninterrupted 15 minutes would make me happy...

2002-02-16T22:38:00.000-05:00

My New "Friend". I thought that Bookseller Boy just smiled whenever he saw me because I'm always at Barnes & Noble before and after work and he found it amusing. However, considering the fact that he almost snapped his neck from whipping his head around when he saw me walk past the store and started waving when I looked toward him, makes me think it's a bit more than amused tolerance...definitely a new "friend"...

2002-02-13T23:47:00.000-05:00

All Is Well. At least with my guy friend. I got an unexpected phone call from him apologizing for his behavior (he even said he might have been acting childish *grin*), and thanking me for being really honest with him. He wrote me a letter back but I haven't gotten it yet. He said he probably wasn't as clear as he could have been when he wrote that so I might need some clarification. I'm in a good mood though. :o)

2002-02-12T23:26:00.000-05:00

Potato Chips, Pelvic Thrusts, and Mogols. That's my summary of the Olympics tonight. I pigged out on potato chips and watched the Men's figure skating short program and Men's Mogols (they ski really fast down this steep, bumpy, twisty hill and hit two ramps where they do a trick). I lost all respect for the Russian elf boy (I forgot his name but he fell on his quad and he's in fourth place after the short program) when his short program music switched from violin music into a Michael Jackson song and he broke out with pelvic thrusts. It was not attractive. I left the room. I might be psychologically scarred...for life...you think I jest. [Update: His last name is Plashenko (sp?) and he ended up with the silver medal after his long program...no pelvic thrusts in spitting distance I was relieved to note...] However, on the other hand I have a new favorite winter sport: The Mogols were awesome...so cool...and the way the skiers look going down the hill is great. I created a dance called "The Mogol"...Mom thinks it's great but Albert hasn't yet succumbed to its charms...he will...just wait...

2002-02-11T09:10:00.000-05:00

Overload. I can not think straight. There is so much running around in my head that I can not put a coherent sentence about what I'm thinking together. When My Fave Gal dropped me off last night, I ended up blabbing all about why I can't/won't/don't dance as much anymore. A lot more information about it came out than I even knew I was thinking. The only thing I can think of to describe how I feel about dancing right now is squeezed...And what I hadn't completely realized until last night was how relieved I will be to leave Rochester and know that I don't have to dance anymore and to just shove it into a corner into my life, get some perspective and a few deep breaths, and know that at some far away undetermined moment in the future I'll come home and I'll dance again. Such a relief...

2002-02-09T14:56:00.000-05:00

I'm definitely feeling the aftereffects of only getting 3 hours of (much interrupted) sleep at Ellie's house last night (a last minute get-together). And I get home to find an e-mail from my guy friend. He says he's not mad and that he wrote me a letter back. *sigh of relief*

2002-02-08T22:13:00.000-05:00

Why my life has to change...and why I know I won't stay in Rochester much longer. I've come to a place where dance (including sacred/Christian dance) has become a crutch in my walk with God. In order for me to move forward, it needs to take the backseat and be something that is only used in private time with God until He restores it-cleaned and renewed...

I don't expect to be dancing (in the way I know I eventually will be) for a while--not just months, I mean years...I also don't expect to come home to Rochester until I am able to dance like that. For me, Rochester and dance are irrevocably tied together. I cannot be here and not dance or work to affect change in the Christian arts community. So, what will this season in my life be? An exile, hiatus, interlude? I'm not entirely sure what to call it but the dance part of my life will be on hold once I leave Rochester.

Maybe this is like David when he left Israel? He knew that he would be king but because of what was going on in his life, he did what he had to do. So, the story isn't an exact equivalent but I can draw some parallels. I'll think about it and let you know what I come up with.

2002-02-08T00:01:00.000-05:00

Making a list...Checking it twice. That pretty much describes what I did this morning. I got so fed up with all my thoughts chasing each other around my head, that I made a list of every possible path I could journey along at this point in my life: "Go to school, move to Morocco, join the Marine Corps, become a flight attendant..." Whether they're feasible or not, if I've thought about them all, they're on the list...and out of my head.

2002-02-05T23:44:00.000-05:00

Question Of The Day. Can not using a gift God has given you ever be part of His will for your life? Or maybe my problem is when my gift is expected to always be public and formal? I love to dance, love to...but I don't want to go to school for dance and I don't want it to be my life/career...not now. At the same time, I believe that God wants me to start a very specific kind of Christian Arts Conservatory...but now is not the time for that. At least I don't think it is--I don't have any peace about moving in that direction, my stomach rolls and burns whenever I try to make that path the one I'm moving along.

Another Question. How do you know whether something you're always thinking about is just you obsessing or whether it is God directing? That's my issue now. I have something I really want to do, but how do I know if it's just me wanting this or if it's God giving me this desire? Where's the line? How do I know which side I'm on?

I am willing to do God's will, but I cannot tell if my desires are wrong and should be "plucked out"...How can God work His will in me if I am clogged with wishes of my own?...I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there. (Elisabeth Elliot, Passion & Purity, pp.44-45)

2002-02-05T09:05:00.000-05:00

I don't read between the lines. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. I got a terse one-line e-mail from my friend (who has probably gotten that card by now) answering a question I sent him last week. There were none of the usual comments he makes at the end, nothing that was normal for one of his e-mails, just one sentence, the end, not even his name. I'm trying to convince myself that, since he e-mails from work, he was probably just really busy right then. However, there is this niggling little part of my brain that persists in screaming about how pissed he must be. However, I wouldn't have sent the card if I hadn't felt peace about it and I did. So, how he feels about it is how he feels about it...but I did the right thing...right?

2002-02-03T19:39:00.000-05:00

Albert fixed my computer! It doesn't crash anymore, so right now I'm on the Internet, listening to the Temptations and converting their anthology to mp3 format...hurray for multitasking!

2002-02-02T20:29:00.000-05:00

I've been reading Courtney's blog lately and today I sent her an e-mail to let her know how much she has blessed me. I just checked out her blog and she has a link to me...how cool is that? :o)

Oh, My Fave Gal and I started a blog called The Bride's Journey yesterday. It's going to talk about the "sessions" we have talking about becoming women of God. There's nothing on it yet though except for two random "getting started" posts...but I'm about to change that now.

2002-02-01T20:29:00.000-05:00

I found a list of things to do as a single person on Valentine's Day. Enjoy...!

2002-02-01T08:29:00.000-05:00

I'm attempting to upgrade to Pro Blogger, but my Pay Pal account isn't really cooperating right now. S'allright though...I will upgrade...eventually.