Once upon a time there was this girl. She had an attitude. And a spirit nobody could tame. She was tough and attacked each new day without fear. She went by my name and spoke with a voice only I could hear. She lived in my mind. But now...she's coming out.
Archives:
28.2.02 ( 11:17 PM ) Val I agreed to work a double shift tomorrow, however, as soon as I got home I remembered all the things I have to do that wouldn't make working a double shift an extremely good idea...
To work or not to work? The money would be very useful and I could cram the stuff I'm supposed to do tomorrow evening into Saturday morning, if Mom is willing...
( 10:46 AM ) Val Feeling mildly better today--at least more social...and, look, I discovered this dude's mom has the same birthday as my mom...maybe he's a long-lost brother...or not.
PJ learned the age-old wisdom of not pissing off a pms-ing woman (you have learned well, young padawan)...but, honesty, bro, I wouldn't have cared if you had ripped off yesterday's song of the day...I was actually shocked that you hadn't used it.
Anyway, this is the last day of February (wow, I'd feel really stupid if this turned out to be a leap year but it isn't...I just checked) and my New Year's Resolution of blogging at least 2x per week is still intact...yeah!
27.2.02 ( 12:55 PM ) Val I'm playing Lifehouse's No Name Face really loud...Albert has the grace not to complain
Song Of The Day: "Somewhere In Between"-Lifehouse
I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't
And now I can not stop pacing
Give me a few hours, I'll have all this sorted out
If my mind would just stop racing
Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
This is over my head but underneath my feet
Cuz by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat
And everything will be back to the way that it was
I wish that it was just that easy
Cuz I'm wating for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this
Cause I cannot stand still
I can't be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening
Cuz I'm wating for tonight
Then waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream
What is real, and just a dream*
( 12:51 PM ) Val I'm in a rather interesting mood. My e-mail is doing something pissy (I'm about to check to see if I can get in through hotmail rather than MSN but who knows...), I got my period yesterday, I was going to go see Ten Shekel Shirt tonight but now I'm not going to (I detest car rides the first three days of my period, I also detest being in even passingly close contact with people I don't know and, to some extent, people I normally love). I didn't have to work yesterday so I layed around drank Raspberry Tea, ate chocolate ice cream and barbecued chicken and watched Albert's Monday Night Video Tapes (no Wayne Brady Show) and "The Thomas Crown Affair" which I actually enjoyed. I'm actually seriously considering calling in sick but I'd rather not piss work people off at me since I have entire next week off (I don't really need to have it off but I plan on doing several interesting things with my time-like seeing the bowling man and basically trying to pick up some of the scattered pieces that are my life). Now I'm hovering on the edge of deleting this incredibly self-pitying post but I don't think I'm going to.
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25.2.02 ( 9:40 AM ) Val Attitude Shift. I read a verse the other day that really struck me. 1 Chronicles 29:14 "But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to offer so willingly as this? For all things come from you, and of your own, we have given you." It made me realize that God has the right at any time to demand anything from us, even if it is something we consider central to our lives. The only parallel I can think of is how if a friend loans you something they can at any time demand that thing back. They are the owners of it and can claim it as theirs whenever they wish even if you have not had the opportunity to make full use of the thing or if you have had it for so long that you regard it as yours.
I think this attitude (of willingness to sacrifice anything God asks me to without any hesitation or griping on my part) is the most important thing I can develop at this time in my life.
23.2.02 ( 10:11 AM ) Val The five of us (bridesmaids + The Princess Herself) went to Jack Astor's on Thursday. It was definitely an experience. We had an (extremely cute) recently rehabilitated mute named Jonathon. I'll admit that the recently rehabilitated mute is my own speculation but he barely spoke to us, so I don't even know how he's managing to keep his job. Meg got some other server named Rich to flirt (outrageously) with The Princess the entire night--that was funny. It was a good night...
And last night was the family meeting in which I discussed [SFX: ominous chord] THE FUTURE [SFX: echo, reverb]...and it actually went well. Prayer works. (Do I hear an amen?) We talked about me leaving Rochester, "pausing" dance, and then I finally worked up the nerve to drop the bombshell about what I might be doing. It was interesting. I got the commitment that both Mom and Albert will stand by me in whatever God tells me to do...and that's all I wanted anyway.
I have to go to work now...I'm not exactly thrilled about working from 11a-8p on a Saturday night because I'll have to stay later if it's really super busy...
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21.2.02 ( 5:51 PM ) Val Only God. PJ thought he might end up in Texas with his family and I thought I'd stay in Rochester forever. Now he's committed to staying in Rochester until God tells him to move and I'm committed to leaving Rochester until God tells me to come back. I can't figure it out at all...only God could orchestrate something like this...teach me to wait on you, Lord*
( 8:36 AM ) Val Well, The Princess' intimates shower has been cancelled for tonight because the woman hosting it has pneumonia...eww...she'll reschedule it as soon as she feels better. However, the five of us (4 bridesmaids + The Princess Herself) are going out to dinner. Fun stuff.
In other news, I finally scheduled a family meeting to discuss [SFX: ominous chord] THE FUTURE [SFX: echo, reverb]. This all goes down tomorrow night sometime after Mom comes home from work and does all her "I just got home, let me chill out for a couple moments, then I'll be social" stuff. Feel free to keep me saran-wrapped in prayer.
*btw, I "borrowed" the sound effects idea from Brad and his DSL story...*
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19.2.02 ( 10:56 PM ) Val My internet connection is having issues right now, so I can't post from my house. Fortunately, I'm at PJ's and I just read this awesome quote from Relevant Magazine: "Humility means recognizing that God is bigger than your hopes."
17.2.02 ( 2:00 PM ) Val I love PJ. You'll love him too...and if you don't...well, obviously you have issues that need to be dealt with. I have more to write some serious stuff laying on my heart, but I have to leave for work in a little over an hour and I need sleep...one half hour, that's all I'm asking for...heck, an uninterrupted 15 minutes would make me happy...
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16.2.02 ( 10:38 PM ) Val My New "Friend". I thought that Bookseller Boy just smiled whenever he saw me because I'm always at Barnes & Noble before and after work and he found it amusing. However, considering the fact that he almost snapped his neck from whipping his head around when he saw me walk past the store and started waving when I looked toward him, makes me think it's a bit more than amused tolerance...definitely a new "friend"...
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13.2.02 ( 11:47 PM ) Val All Is Well. At least with my guy friend. I got an unexpected phone call from him apologizing for his behavior (he even said he might have been acting childish *grin*), and thanking me for being really honest with him. He wrote me a letter back but I haven't gotten it yet. He said he probably wasn't as clear as he could have been when he wrote that so I might need some clarification. I'm in a good mood though. :o)
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12.2.02 ( 11:26 PM ) Val Potato Chips, Pelvic Thrusts, and Mogols. That's my summary of the Olympics tonight. I pigged out on potato chips and watched the Men's figure skating short program and Men's Mogols (they ski really fast down this steep, bumpy, twisty hill and hit two ramps where they do a trick). I lost all respect for the Russian elf boy (I forgot his name but he fell on his quad and he's in fourth place after the short program) when his short program music switched from violin music into a Michael Jackson song and he broke out with pelvic thrusts. It was not attractive. I left the room. I might be psychologically scarred...for life...you think I jest. [Update: His last name is Plashenko (sp?) and he ended up with the silver medal after his long program...no pelvic thrusts in spitting distance I was relieved to note...] However, on the other hand I have a new favorite winter sport: The Mogols were awesome...so cool...and the way the skiers look going down the hill is great. I created a dance called "The Mogol"...Mom thinks it's great but Albert hasn't yet succumbed to its charms...he will...just wait...
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11.2.02 ( 9:10 AM ) Val Overload. I can not think straight. There is so much running around in my head that I can not put a coherent sentence about what I'm thinking together. When My Fave Gal dropped me off last night, I ended up blabbing all about why I can't/won't/don't dance as much anymore. A lot more information about it came out than I even knew I was thinking. The only thing I can think of to describe how I feel about dancing right now is squeezed...And what I hadn't completely realized until last night was how relieved I will be to leave Rochester and know that I don't have to dance anymore and to just shove it into a corner into my life, get some perspective and a few deep breaths, and know that at some far away undetermined moment in the future I'll come home and I'll dance again. Such a relief...
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9.2.02 ( 2:56 PM ) Val I'm definitely feeling the aftereffects of only getting 3 hours of (much interrupted) sleep at Ellie's house last night (a last minute get-together). And I get home to find an e-mail from my guy friend. He says he's not mad and that he wrote me a letter back. *sigh of relief*
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8.2.02 ( 10:13 PM ) Val Why my life has to change...and why I know I won't stay in Rochester much longer. I've come to a place where dance (including sacred/Christian dance) has become a crutch in my walk with God. In order for me to move forward, it needs to take the backseat and be something that is only used in private time with God until He restores it-cleaned and renewed...
I don't expect to be dancing (in the way I know I eventually will be) for a while--not just months, I mean years...I also don't expect to come home to Rochester until I am able to dance like that. For me, Rochester and dance are irrevocably tied together. I cannot be here and not dance or work to affect change in the Christian arts community. So, what will this season in my life be? An exile, hiatus, interlude? I'm not entirely sure what to call it but the dance part of my life will be on hold once I leave Rochester.
Maybe this is like David when he left Israel? He knew that he would be king but because of what was going on in his life, he did what he had to do. So, the story isn't an exact equivalent but I can draw some parallels. I'll think about it and let you know what I come up with.
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( 12:01 AM ) Val Making a list...Checking it twice. That pretty much describes what I did this morning. I got so fed up with all my thoughts chasing each other around my head, that I made a list of every possible path I could journey along at this point in my life: "Go to school, move to Morocco, join the Marine Corps, become a flight attendant..." Whether they're feasible or not, if I've thought about them all, they're on the list...and out of my head.
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5.2.02 ( 11:44 PM ) Val Question Of The Day. Can not using a gift God has given you ever be part of His will for your life? Or maybe my problem is when my gift is expected to always be public and formal? I love to dance, love to...but I don't want to go to school for dance and I don't want it to be my life/career...not now. At the same time, I believe that God wants me to start a very specific kind of Christian Arts Conservatory...but now is not the time for that. At least I don't think it is--I don't have any peace about moving in that direction, my stomach rolls and burns whenever I try to make that path the one I'm moving along.
Another Question. How do you know whether something you're always thinking about is just you obsessing or whether it is God directing? That's my issue now. I have something I really want to do, but how do I know if it's just me wanting this or if it's God giving me this desire? Where's the line? How do I know which side I'm on?
I am willing to do God's will, but I cannot tell if my desires are wrong and should be "plucked out"...How can God work His will in me if I am clogged with wishes of my own?...I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there. (Elisabeth Elliot, Passion & Purity, pp.44-45)
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( 9:05 AM ) Val I don't read between the lines. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. I got a terse one-line e-mail from my friend (who has probably gotten that card by now) answering a question I sent him last week. There were none of the usual comments he makes at the end, nothing that was normal for one of his e-mails, just one sentence, the end, not even his name. I'm trying to convince myself that, since he e-mails from work, he was probably just really busy right then. However, there is this niggling little part of my brain that persists in screaming about how pissed he must be. However, I wouldn't have sent the card if I hadn't felt peace about it and I did. So, how he feels about it is how he feels about it...but I did the right thing...right?
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3.2.02 ( 7:39 PM ) Val Albert fixed my computer! It doesn't crash anymore, so right now I'm on the Internet, listening to the Temptations and converting their anthology to mp3 format...hurray for multitasking!
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2.2.02 ( 8:29 PM ) Val I've been reading Courtney's blog lately and today I sent her an e-mail to let her know how much she has blessed me. I just checked out her blog and she has a link to me...how cool is that? :o)
Oh, My Fave Gal and I started a blog called The Bride's Journey yesterday. It's going to talk about the "sessions" we have talking about becoming women of God. There's nothing on it yet though except for two random "getting started" posts...but I'm about to change that now.
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1.2.02 ( 8:29 PM ) Val I found a list of things to do as a single person on Valentine's Day. Enjoy...!
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( 8:29 AM ) Val I'm attempting to upgrade to Pro Blogger, but my Pay Pal account isn't really cooperating right now. S'allright though...I will upgrade...eventually.
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